Christmas Customers

Ebeneezer Scrooge must have been in retail. Only a shopkeeper can hate Christmas as much as he does, and whilst I will admit that no matter what branch of the retail sector you are in, being an independent wine merchant must be the worst.

It stems from the customers that arrive through your door once a year, and I mean, ONCE a year. They are very easy to spot because you don’t recognise them and they are a demanding, rude, pain in the arse. Here is a guide to the Christmas Wine shopper

The Old Lady
The conversation goes like this
Old Lady: Hello Sonny. I need a bottle of Croft sherry and a bottle of red wine. Do you have Mouton Rothschild
Retailer: Certainly we have Mouton Rothschild, prices start at £100 (knowing that they mean Mouton Cadet, but realising that asking if they are sure Mouton Rothschild is what they want will result in a tirade of abuse from the lady, usually involving words such as rude, impertinent and the phrases “Well I never” and “I am going to write a letter”)
Old Lady: One hundred pounds? It was only £10 last year. (this now gives you the ammunition needed to correct her)
Retailer: You must mean Mouton Cadet, that is around £10.
Old Lady: Oh. Well do you have that then?
Retailer: I’m afraid not, we don’t stock it I’m afraid. We’ve not had it for at least five years.
Old Lady: But you had it last year
Retailer: Errr….
Old Lady: I bought it from you.
Retailer: I think you must mean (enter local competitor here). I know they stock it. (knowing full well that they don’t). I could recommend something different for you if you wish.
Old Lady: Such as? (at this point she stops listening to anything you say)

After ten minutes of advising her on various other clarets that are much better and/or cheaper than Mouton Cadet, while the shop is busy and your colleague is serving twenty people solo

Old Lady: No, I think I’ll leave it. How much is the Croft?
The Retailer tells her the price
Old Lady: Oh no, that is too expensive. Tesco are selling it for 23 pence less. I’ll drive out there to get it from them.

The Impatient shopper
Despite queuing for twenty minutes in the local supermarket, if the queue is more than three people deep in an independent retailer they get agitated, dump the wine they were carrying on the nearest available surface and walk out.

The Interruptor
You are in the middle of serving a customer who is buying hundreds of pounds worth of wine, and a man (usually either bald or short, but with an superiority complex and a short fuse nevertheless) asks you to hurry up because he is in a rush. You reply that you will be with him in a minute and that you are just serving this person. You notice at this point that this person has two bottles of wine from your 2 for £10 display. He then starts tapping his car keys on the bottle, to the infuriation of not only you, but the customer you are serving. You exchange a glance with the high spending customer which says both “sorry about him” and “what a total moron he is”, and in reply that customer’s glance says “it is OK” and “yep, he is a total moron”. You then deliberately take more time than is necessary with the nice customer, and even offer to take his wine out to his car, just to annoy the Interruptor.

The ‘Bulk’ buying Customer
There appears to be a plague that goes around people at Christmas that makes them think that six bottles of already discounted wine is a bulk purchase that makes them deserve extra discounts. The line “sorry, I can’t knock any more off those” usually stops any further demands, but you really want to say “go and ask a supermarket for a further ten percent off your bill and see the reply you get there you tight fisted b**tard.”. However, there is a way to get your own back. Put a small sign on your door, which says “The Management reserves the right to charge a consultation fee as it sees fit on purchases less than £500” and then add a tenner onto his bill Obviously, you don’t charge anyone unless they are a pillock.

The festive underager
A year round problem, but with a whole new range of ‘reasons’ why you should serve them. These include:
For Smirnoff: “… it is for my brother’s Christmas”
For WKD: “… it is for my sister’s Christmas”
For Baileys: “…it is for my granny’s Christmas”
For Cider: “…it is for my dad’s Christmas”
For Beer: “…it’s for my pal’s Christmas”
For Rum & Whisky: “…it’s for the Christmas Puddin”

The Tourer
These are the sort of people who spend hours of their life scouring the shops to make sure they buy the products they want from the cheapest source. I have nothing against this as they are being careful with their money. However, they become an annoyance when they use the line “Asda has it at £9.99 but are out of stock. Can you give it to me for the same price?” The answer is “NO, they wouldn’t discount the twenty other products I’m cheaper than them on if I ran out so why should I match their price because you were too busy hunting for the cheapest price to pay and missed their deal?”

The “you’re my last port of call” Customer
The customer is looking for some strange product that they tried on holiday. You are the only independent retailer in a town of 3 supermarkets and 2 chain off licenses. They come in and say “I’ve been everywhere else in town, and they all said I should come to you to find this. Will you get me a bottle in please?” Where is the incentive to start stocking a new product, just because I’m your last resort? If you’d come here first, I might have, but you didn't so you can swizzle”

The “oh please open the door” Customer
It is Christmas Eve. You have just worked solidly for ten hours. It has been quiet for the last hour as every sane person is around a fire or tv set with the people they love and have bought all the alcohol they need. You decide to close the shop, you cash up the till, you put the money in the safe, you set the alarm, and as you are locking the door, somebody comes up to you and says “will you open up the shop so I can get a bottle of wine for Christmas dinner”. There is nothing, save three wise men and a bunch of shepherds needing a bottle to wet the head of a newly born baby, is going to get me to open that door.

Zero Tolerance Christmas Facebook Group - a group of solidarity for harassed shopkeepers everywhere